Ramblings of the Sleep Deprived

This has not been the best of days for me.  It started last night when I couldn’t fall asleep, despite medication.  Then, when I did finally fall asleep, I woke up having a panic attack at 3 A.M.!  That is one weird sensation.  I mean, it’s similar to when you wake from a very frightening nightmare, but different because you know you weren’t dreaming.  Of course, I’m sure it has something to do with my pending surgery and, the what-ifs that plague me when I try to fall asleep. I just wish I could meditate it away!  I can’t help what happens after I’ve fallen asleep though.

So, at 3 A.M., I removed my nail polish, wrote my list of chores for today, and then, read #Superbia 3 by #BernardSchaffer until I fell asleep. I woke up around 8, and thought to myself…”Sure, sure, only when I want to look my best does this insomnia hit!”

I have a party to attend this evening and would like to leave the luggage under my eyes at home with the dark circles!  Yeah, I can be a little vain…but I’m a woman and, it comes with the territory.  I mean, after all, I’ve experienced scarring from my skin infections and surgeries, hair loss and paleness from the blood thinners, problems keeping nail polish on, and the occasional breakout when I’m on certain meds. It all seems superficial until it happens to you, then, it’s a different story.  Recently, someone gave me a compliment about recent weight loss, and if I had $100, I’d have given it to him for making me day!  One just never knows when they will be that one person that makes a difference in someone’s life.  He turned my whole mood around.   I was a blonde beauty long ago, and now, I’m this almost middle-aged woman watching age and illness change me.  I grasp those things that make me feel “pretty.”  I’ve fallen in love with some feminine trends I never would have in the past, such as wearing dresses and skirts just because.  It used to be that the only time I wore a dress or skirt was to a wedding or a funeral.  Now, I want to take the time to put on my face every morning, wear a nice dress and cute shoes, paint my fingers and toes….you get the idea.  I don’t want to be a wrinkle-counter, but, I don’t want to be one of those women that just doesn’t give a damn and stops taking care of herself.

Even when I’m in the hospital, I wake up and put on makeup and fix my hair.  Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I have to look sick too.  It seems to make me feel better too.

I guess I need to adjust my attitude because that’s really what it’s all about…..attitude.  I do have attitude. I just need a good night’s sleep.  I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.    For today, I’m going to focus on taking a nap, rejuvenating my spirit, and getting back to figuring out how to stop having panic attacks in my sleep.  Maybe then, Mikki can work on gettin’ her groove back!

Peace out!

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Life’s Just Funny Like That

So, yesterday, I got ditched by some guy who claimed he was my friend.  He made it clear we were no longer friends and, to put the icing on the cake, he threw my religion in my face.  I give as good as I get and reminded him that he claimed to be a tolerant, accepting #Christian and, surely, wasn’t acting like a good Christian.  I’m #Wiccan and, he just doesn’t understand.  He closed his mind.  That’s fine by me.  I don’t need negative people like him in my life.  The one who claims to be so fine and upright is the first person to cast the stone.  Life’s just funny like that.  

It didn’t bother me much to lose that person because the friendship wasn’t real.  I see how cruel he is that he can be mean to someone like me who is sick and really needs friends for support and understanding.  I said a prayer for him in hopes that his negativity be turned into positive vibes.  I will do no harm.  I’m not into black magic.  I have practiced for thirty years and do not go against the creed. Ye do no harm, and so, I will just wish him well and pray that his black heart will be mended.  The one that spews the most negativity is the one that needs the most love.  Again, life’s just  funny like that.Image

Daisy the bunny is growing noticeably larger.  I would expect nothing less.  She is, after all, eating and drinking on a very regular basis.  This bunny wants to live.  She has a zest for life that inspires me.  She is such a fighter!  Funny how such a little thing can have so much heart.  Life’s just funny like that.

Lastly, I got my call about refilling my #Gammagard infusion for the month and, got great news!  I can go down to two needles per infusion instead of four.  This is going to make it so much easier to rotate sites.  I can’t put them into my thighs as they bleed too much and, I can only use the back of one arm because I had #compartment syndrome in the left arm and, using it is out of the question.  I’m so happy about this one tiny change.  I don’t mind sticking myself, but two sticks is a reduction of infection risk and, I’m all for that. Sometimes, things do go my way.  Life’s just funny like that.

I guess I’ll end there so I can go get ready to go to the #VFW to see my friends and watch the ball game…big #Cardinals fan here.  Maybe they’ll even win tonight.  I’ll think positive.  Us native #St. Louisans know that our boys know how to lead us into #Red October-Life’s just funny like that.