If Wishes Were Horses

I have 8 more days until my surgery,  Frankly, I’m a little nervous about the whole thing.  I don’t like the whole blood clotting issue. I have #FactorVLeiden and #LupusAnticoagulant.  Then, there’s the #primaryimmunodeficiency.  I’m trying to think positive.  I think that in my case, this would be a little easier to deal with if I wasn’t a nurse. In some cases, ignorance is bliss.   I know the surgeon was a little freaked out, but thankfully agreed to remove the gallbladder. The first surgeon refused and no amount of cajoling could change his mind. I think that’s what has me a little nervous. 

I’ve been thinking about my best memories a lot lately.  One that came to mind was when I was swimming in the lake with my then boyfriend and, he asked me how does one pick out a horse.  I laughed and told him that you don’t really pick out a horse.  They pick you. 

As soon as the words were spoken, out of no where, I heard a loud whinny and this horse comes running through the yard and right to the lake where he stood neighing and tossing his beautiful head. He was a gray dapple.  My boyfriend remained, swimming in place, with his mouth hanging open. I swam to the dock and went to the horse. He was very friendly.  I looked him over for a brand, a tattoo, anything to identify him, but saw nothing. I walked up to the cabin to change out of my bathing suit and into something more horse-friendly. my boyfriend started making calls to figure out who may have lost a horse. 

I had an hour of pure bliss with the stray horse before we figured out where he belonged.  He was from the neighboring farm.  He must have gotten out through the gate which someone had left open. I walked him back to the farm with my boyfriend following behind on a four-wheeler, steadily bitching about the flies flying around the horse. The horse was named Jack.  He was about 3 1/2 yrs. old.  He followed me back like an obedient pup. I got him back in the pasture and secured the gate. I rubbed his forehead a few more times and climbed onto the four-wheeler.   I could hear Jack whinnying loudly and felt bad for him.  He was just starved for attention. The lady that owned him wasn’t real nice or, I may have asked if I could come visit Jack from time to time. It would have satisfied my horse-craziness and, Jack wouldn’t be so lonely.   

Once back at the cabin, my boyfriend teasingly said, “Would a million dollars pick you like that horse just did? We could go buy a lottery ticket, if that’s how it works.”

“I wish!” I laughed.

That day was one of the nicest days ever. It had started on a positive note and ended with a star-filled sky and the call of an old hoot owl in the distance. I like days like that. I don’t need a lot of excitement to satisfy me.  I like the simple pleasures. 

I’ve never asked for much in this life.  I just want peace of mind.  I have family and friends that love me and support me. I have my dogs and this little bunny that make me smile and touch my heart. I don’t need much more than that. I just wish my surgery was guaranteed to go just right so that I can continue to appreciate the present and dream about a future.  

If wishes were horses, we’d all be riding!Image

 

Life’s Just Funny Like That

So, yesterday, I got ditched by some guy who claimed he was my friend.  He made it clear we were no longer friends and, to put the icing on the cake, he threw my religion in my face.  I give as good as I get and reminded him that he claimed to be a tolerant, accepting #Christian and, surely, wasn’t acting like a good Christian.  I’m #Wiccan and, he just doesn’t understand.  He closed his mind.  That’s fine by me.  I don’t need negative people like him in my life.  The one who claims to be so fine and upright is the first person to cast the stone.  Life’s just funny like that.  

It didn’t bother me much to lose that person because the friendship wasn’t real.  I see how cruel he is that he can be mean to someone like me who is sick and really needs friends for support and understanding.  I said a prayer for him in hopes that his negativity be turned into positive vibes.  I will do no harm.  I’m not into black magic.  I have practiced for thirty years and do not go against the creed. Ye do no harm, and so, I will just wish him well and pray that his black heart will be mended.  The one that spews the most negativity is the one that needs the most love.  Again, life’s just  funny like that.Image

Daisy the bunny is growing noticeably larger.  I would expect nothing less.  She is, after all, eating and drinking on a very regular basis.  This bunny wants to live.  She has a zest for life that inspires me.  She is such a fighter!  Funny how such a little thing can have so much heart.  Life’s just funny like that.

Lastly, I got my call about refilling my #Gammagard infusion for the month and, got great news!  I can go down to two needles per infusion instead of four.  This is going to make it so much easier to rotate sites.  I can’t put them into my thighs as they bleed too much and, I can only use the back of one arm because I had #compartment syndrome in the left arm and, using it is out of the question.  I’m so happy about this one tiny change.  I don’t mind sticking myself, but two sticks is a reduction of infection risk and, I’m all for that. Sometimes, things do go my way.  Life’s just funny like that.

I guess I’ll end there so I can go get ready to go to the #VFW to see my friends and watch the ball game…big #Cardinals fan here.  Maybe they’ll even win tonight.  I’ll think positive.  Us native #St. Louisans know that our boys know how to lead us into #Red October-Life’s just funny like that.

Crazy Weekends

iphone 171 iphone 094 iphone 090 iphone 079What a crazy weekend!  First, I had Mackenzie, my four year old niece from Friday till Monday.  That kid has one gear-the ‘Go’ gear.  We swam, read stories on the Kindle and, at one point she hit a button that popped up and, now all the extra bells and whistles are now unlocked-for $19.95!!!  She’s a sweetheart and, we did have a lot of fun this weekend.

I barbecued on Sunday.  I used my brand new Weber Kettle for the first time…I loved it!  My nephew, my brother-in-law, and my nephew’s friends enjoyed the juicy, tender ribs and porksteaks.  Mackenzie tried a sample of everything.  I did discover that she strongly dislikes potato salad.  Thank goodness I made corn on the cob!

After everyone had eaten and said their’ goodbyes, I sat outside for a little while.  Suddenly, my dog, a Bouvier des Flandres, started barking a real funny bark I’d never heard her do before. It was a half high pitched bark and a cry.  I immediately got up and went inside to see what was the matter.  At first, I saw nothing and decided to get started on the dishes.  As soon as I stepped in front of the sink, I felt this little whoosh and something sat on my foot.  Thankfully, I’m a calm woman, as it was Daisy, my orphaned bunny.  She had flown the coop and didn’t have a clue as to where she was or what to do.  As soon as she heard me, she ran for safety and, in this case, it happened to be my foot.  I scooped her up and put her back into her box which I secured, and gave the dog Pupperonis  for being such a good dog.

Health-wise, I’m hanging in there.  My surgery is scheduled for Oct. 3.  I’m sure all hell will break loose at that time because my sister works two jobs, my dogs will have their noses out of joint…and then, there’s Daisy the bunny, if she is still here.  We don’t realize my role in the household until I’m not here to do it. It sucks to foist any load onto anyone, but I have no choice.  Cheri will have to feed the dogs, but there more to it than just dumping food in a bowl.  Bear gets a #cosequin and a multivitamin broken up in his food, plus a half a packet of Moist and Meaty, and a pain pill and, a cranberry pill wrapped in cheese.  His water is changed daily too.  I also water the flowers on the back deck since I’m down there.

Then, there’s Zoey who gets a small sliver of the cheese Bear’s pills are wrapped in.  Then, she goes out with me to feed Bear.  Sometimes, she goes potty while we’re out there.  Sometimes, she doesn’t even leave the deck.  That’s when I know she senses Bear isn’t in the mood to play.  Once we finish with Bear, I feed Zoey and change her water.  Then, we go out and water the flowers which are everywhere-the front flowerbeds, potted plants and more plants on the upper deck, After watering, we crush soda cans, wash dishes, and, these days, feed Daisy her formula and chop up carrots, apples and celery for her to graze on between feedings.  Anyway, there is a lot to be done in my routine.  The saddest part is that Zoey will lay at the top of the steps and mope until I come home.

The surgery must be done though.  I don’t want my gallbladder to become infected and perforate.  The infection would kill me.  The surgery is risky because of the clotting disorders and my primary immunodeficiency, but the hematologist cut the risks with the plan he designed to get me through it more safely.  The surgeon’s concern is that I’ll bleed or develop post-op clots because he’ll be touching and moving organs around which can bleed from being handled.  He also showed me the arteries that could possibly be nicked and, other areas that could be perforated.

I figure that I’m in good hands and will be ok.  I’ve made future plans too…so, that means I have to be around. I’ve got tickets to see #Rain-A Tribute to the Beatles at the fabulous #FoxTheater!!!!  I will probably miss seeing  #Three Dog Night on Oct. 5th., But I’ll survive.   My nephew will get to hang out with his mom and see a great show.

Guess I better  end here as I have a lot of emails to check.  I’m going to take it easy today because after 4 days with Mackenzie, I’m beat.  Next weekend will be a blast as I won a pair of tickets to #LouFest-30 bands, good eats and lots of fun things to do.  Take care, Everyone!

No Bucket List Needed

I’m up late when I’d rather be sleeping. I’m nauseated, despite having taken compazine.  I’m preoccupied with this upcoming cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal).  It should be a routine operation, but for me, having 2 clotting disorders, it’s high-risk. The doc will fill me with some CO2 to better visualize the structures-this, in itself, is risky, according to my surgeon.  I’m on Xarelto to thin my blood, so there is a bleeding risk.  I will be  hospitalized a day or 2 prior to the operation to get me off the xarelto.  They’ll heparinize me, get me at the level they desire, and perform the procedure.  I’ll recover for a couple days and be weaned off the heparin to go back onto the xarelto.  I should be hospitalized about 5 days if all goes well.  

Now, the surgeon very frankly said that he could kill me if he did this procedure.  He said the Co2 alone could be a nightmare.  He recommended not having surgery at all due to the clotting risks and, infection risks.

My primary doc said that leaving the gallbladder in would be riskier.  If it infects, with my history, I’m toast.  He said it should come out within the next 3-4 weeks.  We will get the hematologist on board, and he’ll monitor me throughout the hospitalization.  I will see that doc in 10 days for his preliminary exam and, discussion of game plan with the surgeon and my primary. Oh, and me.  I’m very active in my care.

Having said this, that leaves the real possibility that I may not survive the procedure or subsequent infection I may acquire from the hospitalization.  They will monitor me for any sign of infection very closely due to my primary immunodeficiency.

So, for now, I’ve found myself trying to make certain that I’m reconciled to the possibility that I could die.  I’m scared, but not of dying.  I’m scared of leaving loose ends.  I want people to know they were loved and appreciated. I want my family to know how much they mean to me, especially my sister Cheri. She has stuck by me throughout thick and thin.  She has helped me get where I am today. She has been my role model, my best friend, and like a mother.  Because of her, I have achieved dreams.  She has helped me overcome my demons.  She’s always been the most constant person in my life.  Together, we’ve felt the caress of a Caribbean breeze.  Together, we’ve faced tragedy and triumph.  Together, we’ve climbed mountains. We’ve laughed hard, played hard and, worked hard. Always together.

I love my whole family, and have been lucky to have them all in my life.  My daughter has taught me what’s important, I mean truly important.  She is the best part of me.      I have wonderful friends that have enriched my life.  I think of the fun I had going to nursing school with Kelly and Jessica,and many others.  For all the strife, we helped each other get through it.  There are just so many.  Nic made me see why we don’t t should never eat our own young.  Stephanie reminded me of me when I was younger.  Tony shows me the importance of following one’s dreams.  Mama Sherry has shown me acceptance, forgiveness and unrequited love. My siblings have brought great joy into my life.  I’m proud of them all.  A few of my brothers have taught me not to be selfish and estranged from the people that they should be closest to.  I’ve felt the love of a good man.  Box helped me stand on my own and work for my keep.  Construction wasn’t easy, but at least it payed some bills. I’ll never forget him and will always be thankful to him.  There isn’t and never will be another like him.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  I’ve been retrospective and introspective.  I’ve been creating so that there will be happy memories.  I made a necklace today.  I made portraits of Mackenzie that I framed to give to my sister, Michael, Mackenzie’s paw paw and to my mom Gloria. I’ve been cleaning my room and carefully choosing what stays and what goes.  Momentos.  In the end, that’s all this stuff will really be.  Just stuff that says, “I was here.”

That’s life, a collection of pivotal moments with people that helped me become who I am today.  Somehow, like a sculpture, I carved out a pretty decent  life once Cheri helped me see what a decent life was really all about.  I’ve learned to put others before myself-a lesson I learned from my child and, from my residents  at my former job.  Mistakes? I won’t dwell on them. I’ve made quite a few, but they  helped me be who I am today, I will say that I didn’t learn from my first or second mistake…sometimes, I made mistakes in multiples, but work hard every day to be better than I was the day before.  You live. You learn.

I don’t have a bucket list despite the thought that I might die, either from this surgery or some insidious infection, because everything just about on my bucket list costs too much money! Lol!  So, I guess I won’t be going to Ireland or having lunch with Brian Williams.  I won’t be partying in Amsterdam or swimming with dolphins.  I will set my sights to things more immediate, like having fun with my friends on August 24th at the VFW when we host Disco Night, hanging with my dogs, feeling giddy when I’m around someone special, or getting a rush when Cheri and I go shopping and bringing home our treasures.  The simple things.  That’s what really matters.  It’s the simple things that make me feel best.  When I feel my best, I’m truly in a positive frame of mind.  It’s is this positive frame of mind that is going to help me get through this surgery.  However, if I don’t, I’ll go in peace. I’ve been the best person I can be.  It’s just that simple.

When you’ve seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there.
George Harrison 

Just My Thoughts

I just wanted to do a bit of free-writing today. I’ve had so much on my mind lately, especially after my first COPD exacerbation. I’m also changing blood thinners. No more Coumadin. I’ll be starting this new drug call Xarelto. It’s a little scary because I don’t know a lot about it. I’m reading everything I can because the more I educate myself, the less apprehensive I am.
One thing I’ve been thinking about is how tired I am of being so careful about where I go, what I touch, who I am around- I’m tired of being afraid I’ll get an infection or get injured & bleed to death. Whatever happened to that old saying when a kid gets a scrape “…just rub some dirt in it, it’ll get better.”
When I was a kid, it was a good enough philosophy for me.
Nowadays, there’s superbugs, many that are antibiotic-resistant, flesh-eating bacteria (had it, don’t want to go through it again,) & a host of other bad bugs that are insidious & deadly. I’m damn near afraid to go to the grocery store, for example, because I can practically see the germs on the cart, the products, ect. Same with handling money- that stuff is loaded w/ nastiness.
In developing these fears, I’m cutting myself off from the rest of the world. This is so not cool!
So, I got to thinking that I don’t want live in fear. I’m ready to take my chances. I’m just going to ‘rub a little dirt into it,’ as they say.
I’m going to start the Xarelto & not look back. Whatever happens, happens. I have too much living to do to waste my time worrying. I’m going to focus on enjoying life. I’ll exercise good judgment, but not to the extreme.
I guess I’ve adopted this new attitude because I hate being told I can’t do something. I can! I’m defiant & will find a way.
In my case, willfulness is a good thing. It will help me do the things I wish to do, like traveling & socializing. Nothing is going to hold me back.
I spent the day with my nephew Michael & his 3 y/o daughter Mackenzie yesterday & could feel their’ positive energy, see their’ zest for life. I want that! I’ll have it too. I mean, just watch little kids playing & you see it. Kenz giggles & runs & goes until she drops…she has fun & goes for the gusto. Michael is like that too. Oh, and when he laughs, it’s infectious.
So, watch out, World! I’m back in the game! I’ve been enlightened!