Ramblings of the Sleep Deprived

This has not been the best of days for me.  It started last night when I couldn’t fall asleep, despite medication.  Then, when I did finally fall asleep, I woke up having a panic attack at 3 A.M.!  That is one weird sensation.  I mean, it’s similar to when you wake from a very frightening nightmare, but different because you know you weren’t dreaming.  Of course, I’m sure it has something to do with my pending surgery and, the what-ifs that plague me when I try to fall asleep. I just wish I could meditate it away!  I can’t help what happens after I’ve fallen asleep though.

So, at 3 A.M., I removed my nail polish, wrote my list of chores for today, and then, read #Superbia 3 by #BernardSchaffer until I fell asleep. I woke up around 8, and thought to myself…”Sure, sure, only when I want to look my best does this insomnia hit!”

I have a party to attend this evening and would like to leave the luggage under my eyes at home with the dark circles!  Yeah, I can be a little vain…but I’m a woman and, it comes with the territory.  I mean, after all, I’ve experienced scarring from my skin infections and surgeries, hair loss and paleness from the blood thinners, problems keeping nail polish on, and the occasional breakout when I’m on certain meds. It all seems superficial until it happens to you, then, it’s a different story.  Recently, someone gave me a compliment about recent weight loss, and if I had $100, I’d have given it to him for making me day!  One just never knows when they will be that one person that makes a difference in someone’s life.  He turned my whole mood around.   I was a blonde beauty long ago, and now, I’m this almost middle-aged woman watching age and illness change me.  I grasp those things that make me feel “pretty.”  I’ve fallen in love with some feminine trends I never would have in the past, such as wearing dresses and skirts just because.  It used to be that the only time I wore a dress or skirt was to a wedding or a funeral.  Now, I want to take the time to put on my face every morning, wear a nice dress and cute shoes, paint my fingers and toes….you get the idea.  I don’t want to be a wrinkle-counter, but, I don’t want to be one of those women that just doesn’t give a damn and stops taking care of herself.

Even when I’m in the hospital, I wake up and put on makeup and fix my hair.  Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I have to look sick too.  It seems to make me feel better too.

I guess I need to adjust my attitude because that’s really what it’s all about…..attitude.  I do have attitude. I just need a good night’s sleep.  I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.    For today, I’m going to focus on taking a nap, rejuvenating my spirit, and getting back to figuring out how to stop having panic attacks in my sleep.  Maybe then, Mikki can work on gettin’ her groove back!

Peace out!

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