If Wishes Were Horses

I have 8 more days until my surgery,  Frankly, I’m a little nervous about the whole thing.  I don’t like the whole blood clotting issue. I have #FactorVLeiden and #LupusAnticoagulant.  Then, there’s the #primaryimmunodeficiency.  I’m trying to think positive.  I think that in my case, this would be a little easier to deal with if I wasn’t a nurse. In some cases, ignorance is bliss.   I know the surgeon was a little freaked out, but thankfully agreed to remove the gallbladder. The first surgeon refused and no amount of cajoling could change his mind. I think that’s what has me a little nervous. 

I’ve been thinking about my best memories a lot lately.  One that came to mind was when I was swimming in the lake with my then boyfriend and, he asked me how does one pick out a horse.  I laughed and told him that you don’t really pick out a horse.  They pick you. 

As soon as the words were spoken, out of no where, I heard a loud whinny and this horse comes running through the yard and right to the lake where he stood neighing and tossing his beautiful head. He was a gray dapple.  My boyfriend remained, swimming in place, with his mouth hanging open. I swam to the dock and went to the horse. He was very friendly.  I looked him over for a brand, a tattoo, anything to identify him, but saw nothing. I walked up to the cabin to change out of my bathing suit and into something more horse-friendly. my boyfriend started making calls to figure out who may have lost a horse. 

I had an hour of pure bliss with the stray horse before we figured out where he belonged.  He was from the neighboring farm.  He must have gotten out through the gate which someone had left open. I walked him back to the farm with my boyfriend following behind on a four-wheeler, steadily bitching about the flies flying around the horse. The horse was named Jack.  He was about 3 1/2 yrs. old.  He followed me back like an obedient pup. I got him back in the pasture and secured the gate. I rubbed his forehead a few more times and climbed onto the four-wheeler.   I could hear Jack whinnying loudly and felt bad for him.  He was just starved for attention. The lady that owned him wasn’t real nice or, I may have asked if I could come visit Jack from time to time. It would have satisfied my horse-craziness and, Jack wouldn’t be so lonely.   

Once back at the cabin, my boyfriend teasingly said, “Would a million dollars pick you like that horse just did? We could go buy a lottery ticket, if that’s how it works.”

“I wish!” I laughed.

That day was one of the nicest days ever. It had started on a positive note and ended with a star-filled sky and the call of an old hoot owl in the distance. I like days like that. I don’t need a lot of excitement to satisfy me.  I like the simple pleasures. 

I’ve never asked for much in this life.  I just want peace of mind.  I have family and friends that love me and support me. I have my dogs and this little bunny that make me smile and touch my heart. I don’t need much more than that. I just wish my surgery was guaranteed to go just right so that I can continue to appreciate the present and dream about a future.  

If wishes were horses, we’d all be riding!Image

 

Ramblings of the Sleep Deprived

This has not been the best of days for me.  It started last night when I couldn’t fall asleep, despite medication.  Then, when I did finally fall asleep, I woke up having a panic attack at 3 A.M.!  That is one weird sensation.  I mean, it’s similar to when you wake from a very frightening nightmare, but different because you know you weren’t dreaming.  Of course, I’m sure it has something to do with my pending surgery and, the what-ifs that plague me when I try to fall asleep. I just wish I could meditate it away!  I can’t help what happens after I’ve fallen asleep though.

So, at 3 A.M., I removed my nail polish, wrote my list of chores for today, and then, read #Superbia 3 by #BernardSchaffer until I fell asleep. I woke up around 8, and thought to myself…”Sure, sure, only when I want to look my best does this insomnia hit!”

I have a party to attend this evening and would like to leave the luggage under my eyes at home with the dark circles!  Yeah, I can be a little vain…but I’m a woman and, it comes with the territory.  I mean, after all, I’ve experienced scarring from my skin infections and surgeries, hair loss and paleness from the blood thinners, problems keeping nail polish on, and the occasional breakout when I’m on certain meds. It all seems superficial until it happens to you, then, it’s a different story.  Recently, someone gave me a compliment about recent weight loss, and if I had $100, I’d have given it to him for making me day!  One just never knows when they will be that one person that makes a difference in someone’s life.  He turned my whole mood around.   I was a blonde beauty long ago, and now, I’m this almost middle-aged woman watching age and illness change me.  I grasp those things that make me feel “pretty.”  I’ve fallen in love with some feminine trends I never would have in the past, such as wearing dresses and skirts just because.  It used to be that the only time I wore a dress or skirt was to a wedding or a funeral.  Now, I want to take the time to put on my face every morning, wear a nice dress and cute shoes, paint my fingers and toes….you get the idea.  I don’t want to be a wrinkle-counter, but, I don’t want to be one of those women that just doesn’t give a damn and stops taking care of herself.

Even when I’m in the hospital, I wake up and put on makeup and fix my hair.  Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I have to look sick too.  It seems to make me feel better too.

I guess I need to adjust my attitude because that’s really what it’s all about…..attitude.  I do have attitude. I just need a good night’s sleep.  I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.    For today, I’m going to focus on taking a nap, rejuvenating my spirit, and getting back to figuring out how to stop having panic attacks in my sleep.  Maybe then, Mikki can work on gettin’ her groove back!

Peace out!